significant (b)other

Throw my head back and shout!

2007-08-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

Road trip tomorrow! It's actually been put off for three days, since our flaky boss has been giving us the runaround with our cheque. She didn't even really come through in the end, although we managed to harrass her into an advance.

The thing I am most looking forward to about this trip is the shopping. I am down to a single pair of jeans without holes in the ass (although I did manage to patch up my favourite pair), two or three skirts, and a couple of shirts that should probably never be worn in public.

I quit smoking. For two weeks. Then I broke down and smoked a pack, quit again for a few days... and now I'm kinda smoking again. But only after sex. Or outside. Or when Steve's at work. Or asleep. I don't even know why I started again. It gives me headaches now, my nighttime cough is back, and I can smell it on my clothes and in my hair - I never could before. I am so ridiculously attached to the act.

The day after we get back I have an exam to prove I'm not an idiot so they'll let me into school next semester. This might be a problem as I cannot remember how to do long division for the life of me.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

2007-07-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Another week of doing just enough work to slip past Carl's OCD radar has nearly come to an end. It's nice having a job that is less I want to kill myself and more I don't completely dread waking up.

Our phone and cable were cut off simultaneously this week, so we decided to use the mortgage payment to pay those up since life without the internet isn't worth living. My financial priorities are generally more responsible than this, but come on, we're almost level 70 on our Draenei alts, and I can't function without reading the best blog on teh intarweb.

I'd like to write more, however I must go finish rolling Steve's dreads, since he's just finished his monthly bathing ritual.

Lullaby

2007-06-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

When having sex puts one partner to sleep and wakes the other up, a 2am roll in the hay usually means I'm pulling an all-nighter while Steve snores away until the alarm goes off at 5:45.

I wish I'd inherited my father's narcoleptic tendencies.

Hide and Seek

2007-06-17T01:44:00.000-07:00

I just spent several hours transcribing the entire contents of my 2001-2007 LiveJournal over to this blog. Probably one of the more tedious things I've done in a while, although scrubbing nearly 60 toilets a day 4 times a week comes close. It's sad to see all the transcribed posts here without any comments, but the potential customization options on Blogger will make it worthwhile in the long run, I hope.

For now, I need to sleep. That is if I can drag Steve away from his World of Warcraft PvP videos.

Modern Man's Hustle

2007-06-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Apparently I gave Steve a "look"

"What? Did you fart?"
"No."
"...are you pooping?"

Five Alive

2007-06-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that a new law was passed, making it illegal to resell National Geographic magazines because they are educational and should be free for everyone.

HALP!

2007-06-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Good morning nerdlings,

I need some more help.

I would like to do two simple things with a website. The first is to allow people to comment on posts/articles, much like LiveJournal/Blogger does. Is this overly complicated? Can someone with only basic knowledge of coding websites do this? Where the hell do I begin to learn how? I've been googling my heart out for possible answers, and I'm getting nowhere. I can build the basic framework for a site and all that shit, but I'm clueless about all the other fancy crap. A link or something would be spectacular.

The second thing that I'd like to do is be able to have posts/articles automatically archived by date, with a little calendar widget or text links or something. Or even a way to archive manually that won't require a ton of time.

I guess I'm trying to recreate a pared down blogspot site that I'll be able to customize myself and host elsewhere.

Together We're Invincible

2007-06-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

I really, really appreciate weekends.

The Extra Mile

2007-06-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

It seems yesterday was a bad day to stay home from work. Apparently a random gentleman wandered down the basement hallway of the clinic and urinated down its entire length in front of all of the nurses. Larry called me after work to tell me about it, and seemed quite pissed (hah) about the whole situation. I'm just sorry I missed it.

Today wasn't quite so thrilling, although I did have the honour of removing a caked-on shart that somehow managed to spray behind a toilet seat.

I'm tired and my baby toe has a blister on top of a blister and I have the devil shits thanks to shark week and Soup chewed up my student loan papers and all I want to do is get laid but Steve, brave Steve, who earns his red wings all over again every month is at his philosophy lecture and has to work after that until midnight and I have to get up at 5am tomorrow to wipe away feces from places they shouldn't be and get ignored by bitchy lab techs fresh out of high school earning triple my wage and then after that maybe, just maybe, we won't get called into work on Saturday and I'll have a moment to breathe.

Life is pretty good.

LOL'ing and Meaning it

2007-05-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

"When people say plz because it's easier then saying please, I say no because it's faster then saying yes"

Sugar Magnolia

2007-05-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

I just finished putting dreads in Steve's hair. Took about 12 hours, a handful of movies, one flea comb and several gallons of soda.

My hand muscles are killing me.

But he looks hotttttttttttttt

Stroke Me

2007-05-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

Couple pictures from the zoo. Sadly none of them really turned out, and the ones of my precious elephants seem to have disappeared.

mama koala
(+baby nestled in her lap)

The Final Frontier

2007-05-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

We arrived back home last night, mostly in one piece.

One hell of a trip, let me tell you.

The fun all started when we reached the US border in Sault Ste Marie, Michigan around 3am. We had the honour of being interrogated by the grumpiest fucker employed by the US Border Patrol who informed us, after grilling us for some time, that we had been "selected" for an inspection. We pulled up under the steel canopy and five uniformed douchebags came out to the car and made us stand off to the side while a few of them proceeded to rifle through the entire car. I hope they enjoyed discovering the bag of very dirty laundry we had brought along to wash at Steve's parents' place.

The head douchebag gave us a delightful talking-to with typical American law enforcement charm, and whipped out a few choice phrases including "Don't try and bullshit me, son!" I kept a straight face like a champ, while peeing just a little on the inside.

He escorted us into the building, where we had to hand over our wallets and my purse to be searched by yet another set of douchebags. We discovered that Steve's student permit had expired 10 days previous (oops!) and we hadn't brought along any of the paperwork. We had to hang around for an hour while they did god knows what in the back before letting us go across.

Insert 10 days of actual vacation here, including a trip to the Cleveland Zoo, much shoe shopping, a trip to the orthodontist, feasting on fancy ice cream, joyriding in mom in law's Miata on the freeway, skipping church, and having a lot of sex in the hot tub.

Fast forward to Friday, when we headed back North towards home.

We reached the border, assuming Steve would be able to get back into Canada as a visitor with his passport. Hell no! No proof, no paperwork, just a couple of shady looking hippie kids with opposing citizenships and a car full of blankets and new shoes. Denied entry and 500 miles from either home. Sweet. We checked into a hotel and decided to do what any mature young adult would do: call the parents and cry a little.

Somehow Steve's mother found his history professor's home phone number on the internet, and we called him just after midnight to see if he could help us out. He said he'd fax us the appropriate documents from the university to the hotel on Saturday morning if he could.

Saturday evening rolled around and there was still no fax. Turns out the university was closed for electrical repairs for the weekend. Score.

The prof was finally able to send it on Sunday afternoon from Staples, so we headed back across the bridge to try again. We were finally able to sort things out, and get him a visa that will last until he graduates in 2010 so that this bullshit won't have to happen again.

It's really good to be back home.

Muse

2007-05-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

together we're invincible.

Daydream Believer

2007-04-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, my adoring fans!

All is well in no-man's land.

Soup has gained a ton of weight and is growing like a weed. He continues to lust after panties, iPod cords, and empty yogurt containers yoinked from the trash. We're starting him on raw next week, which I'm excited about. No more disgusting ki**le for the little pup! He nearly peed with joy when I handed him the bloody organs from the chicken I roasted last night. House/crate training are going pretty well, although he did pee on my bare foot in an excited dash to the back door.

Steve's bottom retainer broke off in his mouth, so we're driving down to Ohio tomorrow so he can get it fixed since he's not covered up here in Canadia. It also gives us a good excuse to take a road trip and burn off some of this Northern Ontario cabin fever. We're going to board Soup with Reddenblu, the only holistic kennel in the area who are willing to board pets without vaccinations. We considered taking him with us, but he's on the verge of being 3 months old, and after that age there are more restrictions about crossing the border and having to show city licenses and vaccination records, neither of which we have or plan to get.

I applied to school this morning & filled out my OSAP papers. I need to get into the pre-health sciences program to upgrade my math/sciences in preparation for the midwifery program -- which from the looks of it may be tougher to get into than I thought. Many of the women in the email group I belong to have applied 3-4 times and still haven't been accepted. I also app'd to the general arts/science program in case pre-med is full, just so I can get in there and get some credits out of the way.

I'm so sick of WoW I could puke. My EQ2 account is cancelled for now since playing alone sucks and I don't know anyone else who plays. The Sims2 was fun for about 2 weeks. I need a new game! Any suggestions?

Afternoon Delight

2007-04-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

Life is lovely.

Steve's napping, obviously worn out from powering through his footlong mansandwich. Soup is passed out in his crate, obviously worn out from chewing on my panties.

I had a cyst the size of a small planet removed from my armpit a couple days ago. I've been going in to have the packing changed every morning, and it has been confirmed that I am a giant pussy. What seemed like a gallon of pus and blood was drained out of the thing when I had it lanced, and it's continued to ooze over the last few days in what has been both the coolest and most disgusting thing that has ever happened to my body. I've had these little aliens pop up since hitting puberty (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hidradenitis_suppurativa for the curious) but they've always been tolerable and gone away on their own. This one swelled up to the size of a small egg and decided to grab my full attention by preventing me from moving my arm or wearing a bra. Thanks, buddy.

The antibiotics I was given state a common side effect of diarrhea. Like I need any help in that department.

Getting my passport together this week for our trip in July to Bahamas/Hawaii with Steve and his family. Need to convince my dad to babysit Soup for two weeks. Hopefully he'll be past his panty fetish by then. (The dog, not my dad)

Speaking of Daddy-O, we're going out to dinner on Saturday for my 26th birthday. It should present the perfect opportunity to tell him about our engagement, and lessen shock from the "Hey, we got married while we were in Hawaii!" conversation.

When in Rome

2007-03-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

If you were going to use an HTML editor (like Dreamweaver, Frontpage, etc), which would you use? It's been a long time since I coded anything myself, so I'm looking for a program that is easy to use but also versatile. I want to be able to get a site up and running and looking fairly sharp in a short amount of time, so I don't want to relearn everything myself right now.

Also, do any of you have experience with blogging software?

Cherry Cherry

2007-02-27T17:32:00.000-08:00

Tired of being pestered to update, so here's your fucking update!

I'm engaged, got a new job that I quit before I started, and I have the worst gas I've had in two decades.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a naked man in my bedroom.

Banana Phone

2007-01-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

new cell number: 807 472 8016

text awaaaaaaay!

Ripple

2007-01-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

Life is beautiful once again.

Details when I get some free time, I promise.

Countdown

2006-12-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

twelve hours.

D'Yer Mak'er

2006-12-17T17:27:00.000-08:00

twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
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twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays
twomoredaystwomoredaystwomoredays

Kashmir

2006-11-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

So. Flying to Ohio in about 3 weeks. Both terrified and excited beyond belief. Going to spend a couple days down there and meet Steve's family, and then pack up all his stuff and road trip it back up here. Adventure, weeeeee!

More than a Feeling

2006-10-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life where I don't have to stress about money. It wears me the fuck out.

(And hopefully so will my dirty hippie boy, who is moving in soooooon!)

That's the Way

2006-09-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

I met a pretty amazing boy. One might say things have progressed rather quickly, and I am finding myself rather head-over-heels.

lolinternet.

It's Alright, Baby

2006-08-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

I've been unemployed for a few weeks now; bored out of my mind for the most part. I was in a really shitty headspace about the whole situation, and up until this past Wednesday hadn't seen my dad or any of my friends since I stopped working.

I start a new job on Monday, working for production in a second hand clothing store. I think I found where all the gorgeous emo girls have been hiding. I don't even know what it pays yet, but I imagine it'll be $4/hr less than what I was making before. I think it'll be worth it for the complete lack of stress and all of the eye candy available though. We'll see.

50% off on all the ugly old man pants I could possibly ever wear! Yeaaaaah!

2006-07-20T17:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it's possible for one human head to produce so much snot in such a short period of time.

*whine*

Fuck Acoustic

2006-07-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

I've been drunk since Friday afternoon. We had a long lunch on Friday, so Craig & Tara and I drove to Craig's place to eat by his pool. We cracked open a huge bottle of wine to go with our food, and ended up drinking the entire thing. We were late getting back to work, and found that both the smoking entrance and the mall entrance were locked, and had to walk around the entire building to find a door that would let us in. I don't know how the trainers didn't realize we were intoxicated, but it was an interesting shift.

After work we decided to hit the bar and see what sort of trouble we could get into. We hit Brown St for a few hours and met some of Craig's friends who were celebrating a birthday. It was hot and packed, but the drinks were cold and the music was excellent in the basement. After last call, Tara left and Craig and I stood around outside with the drunks eating their hot dogs and picking fights. Some girl came up to me and started asking me about my jewelery and if I'd made it myself and if I was "crafty" because she was too and she thought it was really neat and wouldn't break eye contact the entire time. Craig just started laughing and called me an idiot and to get her goddamn number already. I was just like "What?" and she got dragged away into her taxi by her friend, which was when Craig told me that he'd seen her checking me out all night when we were outside in the courtyard. Thanks for telling me afterwards, asshole. I'm oblivious to these things.

Saturday evening Tara picked me up and we drove out to her mom's place to drop some stuff off for her baby and pick up food for her party. Mel & Andrei were already at her place with Justin by the time we got back. We ordered pizza and started in on the alcohol while we waited for everyone else to show up. By 11 it was still only the five of us, and Mel was leaving to go to the bar with her friends, so we decided to follow suit and hauled ass to Armani's. Linda & Roger (our trainers from work) were there, amusingly out of place in a small-town TBay club. We exchanged awkward waves and went back to drinking and mocking the barely-dressed girls and the boys trying to score.

I had planned to go home after Armani's, but Tara, being sober enough to drive, wanted to get suitably liquored up to complete her weekend binge. We sat around in her backyard, polished off the remaining Tequila Rose & wine, and decided that it was probably time for bed. Andrei and I ended up curled up on the futon in her basement, despite the ridiculous heat. It's been a long time since I've met anyone who knows the proper way to kiss: with teeth.

I came home this afternoon and sat around in my underwear, trying to remain as still as possible to avoid sweating to death. I felt my hangover coming on, so I crawled into bed with three fans blowing into my bedroom and slept it off quite successfully. I logged in to play a bit of WoW tonight, only to find my regular group of friends all hammered and doing my favourite instance. Not to be outdone, I broke out the Kahlua & chocolate milk and tanked it for them almost decently. It's now 5:30am, and I think sleep is imminent. I am almost grateful for work tomorrow afternoon; I need a break.

Oh, and I chopped off my hair again. By myself! (Yeah, I'm a cheap bastard)

Dragostea Din Tei

2006-07-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

I drove down to Hamilton with Nikki on the Thursday prior to Canada Day, with the understanding that we'd be going as "just friends" in order to get to know each other better. This was fine by me, as I'd already told her multiple times that I wasn't interested in anything serious. I should have known the trip was going to be hell when I climbed into the passenger seat of her truck, was handed a stack of CDs and asked, straight faced, "You like Michael Bolton, right sweetie?" I kind of half-smiled half-grimaced and changed the subject, sliding the Michael Bolton disc to the bottom of the stack. I decided to let that one slide.

I love the drive through Northern Ontario; I've done it a few times a year for the past 13 years. I know every road and exit from here to Toronto by heart. Nikki had driven it once, was clearly an expert, and was defensive and bitchy whenever I suggested that there was a better route to take. Fine, I thought. I'll point out the routes through the cities as we approach them and then pretend to sleep while you try and navigate your own way. And get lost. And ask strangers for directions three times. And get more lost. And finally ask me, only for me to be correct every single time (for serious.) Yes, I grew up on these highways. Yes, I've driven back and forth on these highways many times since my parents split. Yes, I know how to interpret a map and read road signs. I'm 10 years younger than you, but I am not as ignorant as your previous girlfriend.

I thought it was a little strange that even after our "just friends" discussion she kept reaching for my hand in the truck, and telling me how much she loved me being there with her. I thought it even stranger when we were standing in the McDonald's lineup for breakfast and she kept grabbing my ass. Stranger still, but frankly quite expected at this point, was when I was calling home from a payphone inside McDonald's and she came up to me and stuck her tongue down my throat. "Hi Dad.... *gagging noises*.. Oh, sorry.. I got a McNugget stuck in my esophagus."

Once we were back in the truck I asked her, quite civilly, to cool it. She apologized and said she couldn't help it, but that she understood and would quit. Thirty minutes later her creepy little hand came wandering over to imprison mine again. There are only so many times I can pull my hand away and say no before frustration gets the better of me and I give up. I gave up.

We pulled into the campground 22 hours of straight driving later. I was ready to murder her at this point, but the weekend had just begun, and I figured if I could just keep myself drunk enough I might be able to enjoy myself. Despite my protests to the contrary, Nikki introduced me to every person we met as her girlfriend. So much for picking up.

There was a birthday party at one of the camps, and I managed to out-drink her and hang out at the party while she went to pass out in the truck. I sat there for hours around the outdoor bar, singing Ani songs with a bunch of dykes and one boy wearing daisy flip-flops. Somehow by the end of the night I'd been renamed Veronica, and we sang Amazing Grace and other gospel songs in an incredible three-part harmony between shooters.

When the party wound down around 4am I was escorted home by a pretty little girl named Willow and Mr. Floral Flip Flops. I think his name was Pat. Pat wasn't ready to go back to his angry boyfriend's trailer yet, and I sure as fuck didn't want to crawl into bed with hosebeast, so we decided to go find an outhouse and/or any other random parties around the camp. Flashlight in one hand, and Pat's hand in the other, I helped him take a piss in the port-a-potty and almost lost him to the gaping hole of shit and used tampons. We found a party at the other end of the grounds, and the kids invited us over for a beer. After they stumbled into their own tents, we somehow managed to stagger to Pat's trailer, stolen cans of ginger ale in hand (It was dark and we'd thought it was beer when we tripped over the case of it next to someone's tent) and sat (fell) down beside his firepit and bitched about the attitudes of kids these days. I started to get worried about finding my way back to our camp, and began making plans in my head about sleeping in a tree or climbing under someone's trailer to pass out until morning. Out of nowhere, Cathie and her girlfriend came wandering back from the showers and walked me back to the truck... which turned out to be only 5 campsites down. I've never been happier to see someone as I was right then. I climbed into the back of the truck as the sun was just threatening to come out, but tragically I wasn't quiet enough, and had my hand led to hosebeast's crotch. I managed to shudder my way through finishing her off before passing out in disgust.

I managed to feign PMS for the first half of our weekend, but on Sunday I let her fucking guilt trips get the better of me, and I ended up naked in the box of her truck after the most ridiculous fight. I made up some excuse about having a headache, and needing something to drink first. After downing 4 coolers and several shots of Tequila Rose, I figured I was drunk enough to continue. This is where the first screenshot comes into play. I don't think she showered once the entire weekend, and after three days of travelling, working outside digging a firepit and fixing the barbeque, playing with the dogs, moving picnic tables and hauling other shit around, things were kind of rank. I tried to explain this as politely as possible, but she had taken her hearing aids out, and the only response I got was her hand pushing my head down again. This was the first time I've been able to actually say "I threw up a little in my mouth" and actually mean it. I'm still not sure how I managed to get through that agonizing half hour.

The trip back was a nightmare. I had tried to be as nice and as accomodating as I could all weekend, only to ensure myself a ride back the 800+ miles we'd come. I finally had enough and refused to let her touch me. We were silent almost the entire trip back, except when she needed directions to get through Toronto, Barrie, Sudbury, Sault Ste Marie, etc. She dropped me off without a word and the relief I felt was better than any orgasm I could have experienced.

Despite all of this, it really was a great weekend. Really.

YEAH!

2006-07-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

This pretty much explains how I feel right now:

Save Tonight

2006-06-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've been to bed three times already this morning, and I can't fall asleep. I have a million loads of laundry to do, I still haven't packed, and I'd really like to get my ass out for a haircut before we leave tonight.

I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about this relationship. I really like her, things are comfortable and natural between us, there's a good sexual chemistry going on... but I don't really feel it. Physically, she's the type I'd generally go after. Emotionally we seem to be a decent fit so far too. But there's something missing there that I can't put my finger on. Little things, like the fact that I could never show her my writing because she just wouldn't get it is part of it I think. I don't get butterflies. A lot of nights I would rather go to bed than go out with her. I don't know what the problem is.

Maybe I'm just hanging on to my delusional bohemian fantasy of the beautifully disturbed creative creature out there waiting for me with wine & cigarettes in hand, to lead me off into a smoggy sunset.

Is it wrong to settle for comfortable?

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

2006-06-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend: Leaving Thursday after work, around midnight, to drive to Cambridge with Nikki for the weekend.
The plan: Drive 16 hours, party all weekend at the gay campground, drive home 16 hours on Monday.

Ooooweeeeeee!

Teenage DIrtbag

2006-06-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Went out drinking tonight with Craig @ Armani's. I never thought I would step foot in that bar again, but after a few dozen drinks it was pretty tolerable. Ran into Elissa and Mel, and their gay friend whose name I forget, but he was pretty cute for a boy. I think he drove us home in Craig's car and went home with Craig. It was either him or me. I don't really remember.

Let the Sunshine in

2006-06-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

Take one of those Lipton Sidekick noodle things, the chicken kind, cook it the way it's supposed to be cooked.
Toss it in a bowl and pour in a good bit of sweet spicy chili sauce.
Add a handful of frozen shredded sharp cheddar cheese.
Grind a bit of pepper on it to make it look pretty.
Stare at the crunchy frozen cheese with melty corners for a while.
Stir.
Eat the most fabulous* bachelor meal ever created.

*for best results, consume stoned

Afternoon Delight

2006-06-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

Back on the 3:30-12 shifts now at New Job. Nocturnal loveliness recommences and all is well. Walking home after midnight is a little scary, but the adrenaline rush is rather delicious.

Something in my house smells like almonds and I can't figure out what the fuck it is.

2006-06-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

I just got home from the strip club and I'm high as shit with an All Bran cereal bar hanging out of the corner of my saliva-deprived mouth. I'd really like a cigarette and also perhaps some water, but both are across the house and to be quite honest I'm not all that eager or prepared to make such a trek.

I have the beginnings of a headache, so I'm trying to drink the rest of this bottle of water from the bar that they charged me $2.75 for.

Tara's party last night was fantastic. It's been a long time since I drank myself into a stupor and passed out in someone's basement. I needed that. My off-key karaoke was pretty excellent. Andrei only puked 3 times. Craig was there! And he cut off all of his hair while he was in Europe! Tara's boyfriend has the most delicious Irish accent. Her kid is fucking adorable. John and his friend left the party early to eatsomemushrooms and go for a walk to the college. I smoked copious amounts of varied substances in the backyard and played with the dog, a huskyish thing named Guiness. I spilled my white russians all over myself and the bar. The bag of ice was a solid chunk and we used a hammer to break off cup-sized chunks for our beverages. I stabbed myself in the hand with the claw of the hammer while I was trying to be entertaining. I only bled a little bit.

Life is good.

Mercedes Benz

2006-06-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Hangover,

If you're going to come and visit me, please do so today, and not tomorrow morning before the new job. I know you like to take your time and start to creep up 24 hours after the last drink hits my belly, but if we could arrange a mutually agreeable time before midnight tonight I would be most appreciative.

Sincerely,
Heidi

I wanna be on you

2006-06-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

My new job wasn't supposed to start until July. I got a call today while I was at work saying I could start Monday if I wanted to. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

After work today I decided to treat myself to some pretty things. My two pairs of dress pants have performed their every-other-day rotation quite well, but my ass felt like it was getting into a bit of a rut. I love shopping by myself and having sales ladies dote on me, and tell me how "fun" the outfit is that I'm trying on. I walked out of the store with two items for $80, and went to Value Village to see what else I could scrounge up -- I really should have went there first. Five pairs of pants (three of which are the brand I'd normally buy from that same store!), two sweaters, several shirts, and a handful of hair scarves, all for half of what the skirt & jacket cost me at the mall. Shenanigans!

Tomorrow night is Tara's going away party. It's going to be awkward if Don shows up.

Don't Shit Where You Eat

2006-05-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

Tired!

I was late to work today because I was at an interview for another job. I got hired for said job. I made a few people giggle when my boss asked why I was late. I am an excellent liar. Thanks customer service industry! The amount of stress that has been lifted from my shoulders is incredible, and I would probably dance if I wasn't so exhausted.

I would like to thank you, Thunder Bay, for being the worst possible city imaginable. You have given me a greater appreciation for the rest of this glorious country, and developed me into a patient, realistic person with very low expectations. I'm kind of like rhubarb now.

Whammy!

2006-05-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.tru.ca/

*in love*

I was thinking about school tonight, and I realized that I'm going to be pushing 30 by the time I actually graduate. I'm getting oooold!

My 4-day weekend draws to a close. I've come to really appreciate my days off. I have never felt so grateful for sleep. Tomorrow the Americans will feel my wrath once again, and I'll laugh as I dance down to the bank with all of the overtime pay they've given me for being a ruthless, overtired bitch on the phones.

Hotwax

2006-05-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

What a crazy two weeks it's been. It started off with a week of 12-hour overtime shifts, which I ended up hating myself for taking after the first day. I survived though, until the last day of the week when our new schedules were sprung on us - one day off, and then an 8-day stretch. I don't think the people in the Business Intelligence office are even human, nor do they deserve the title of their department! It's over at last now, and I'm sitting on a lovely 4 days off in which to do absolutely nothing requiring any amount of responsibility.

I ran into one of Julie's ex-boyfriends at work not too long ago. I had no idea who he was when he started talking to me, until he finally introduced himself as "the guy who dated your crazy ex-roomate a couple years ago." The only thing I vaguely remember about him was that he was too fat for Julie's taste, which was a little ironic. Strange guy though, I'm glad they broke up. She deserves someone better than that, despite our differences.

It seems like every second person at MCCI dated or knows someone else that I know, and it's a big circle of insanity. This guy Steve came up to me outside the other day while I was on lunch, asking me if I was the same Heidi who went to Grandview elementary school back in the day. I left that school near the end of grade 5, and he was 3 grades above me -- and still remembered me. This city is much too small.

My new driver's license picture is hilarious. I look like an angry Shirley Temple.

Jim's latest creation: http://www.strawberrydragon.co.uk/nightbow/nightbow.html
Definitely worth checking out. That beautiful little Brit continues to amaze me.

I Love Scotch

2006-05-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Operation Relocation: West Coast continues to simmer quietly.

Kamloops is looking like a definite option. Nanaimo also holds promise.

Also, I had a dream last night that I told my managers I was quitting. My supervisor told me I couldn't, so I shifted to bear form and feral charged her. I rule.

How Now Brown Cow

2006-02-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

As much as I enjoy sleeping in late and going into work at 3pm, the bus rides home at midnight in the freezing cold are wearing thin. I've met some really crazy/interesting people at the terminal though - it's amazing the amount of people taking the bus at that hour, and the stories they have to tell. Summer needs to hurry the fuck up imo.

Manly Men

2006-02-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

I started my new job this week. I'm getting paid to teach stupid americans about the internet and revel in my own dorkhood. I loves it!

My hair is creeping slowly and scarily into mullet stage. Do I shell out for a trim and suffer through this horrific emo stage, or shave it all off? I think the deciding factor will be which option allows me to be lazier: booking an appointment, or finding the clippers in one of the thousand boxes in my basement.

I have a new phone number now - no more phone calls from the IRS looking for the dead guy who owned my last phone number before me.

Zoot Suit Riot

2005-09-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

I bought a black pinstripe suit! Muahaha.

Dirt

2005-09-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

Bright and early! I hate mornings. I've been up since 5am doing laundry and cleaning, waiting for my dad to get here so we can pick up my new couches and chairs. I've sucked back at least 3 cups of coffee so far and I still feel asleep.

I woke up just after 4, and turned the TV on to check the time, only to find an episode of The L Word in progress. As much as this show annoys me, I can't help watching it, fascinated. On one hand, it's nice to see a show with dykes as the main focus instead of perky little lesbians as sidekicks to straight people in most series. On the other hand, it's basically just a fuckfest with gorgeous femmes leading drama-filled lives. Even Queer as Folk had better storylines, despite its similar superficialities.

Oh well. Time to go shower and pretend to be awake.

Miss Misery

2005-05-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

Leaving in about an hour for a few days on the road. It's been so long since I've left Thunder Bay, I forget what the rest of the world looks like.

Tying up my fake chucks and wiping the fingerprints off of my glasses, I wonder where the hell I'm even going. Looking around me I'm amazed at how far I've come without having a plan, or even the faintest clue as to what I'm doing. Maybe that's what it's all about though. Maybe no one has much of an idea. One foot after the other, one day at a time, keep the bad memories from surfacing, drink in the new ones.

My lips are chapped but I'm trying to think about summer.

Jane

2005-05-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Kingston tomorrow!

In other news, I think I broke my baby toe.

Two Little Feet

2005-03-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

The air smells like spring outside tonight, it's delicious.

My seeds finally arrived. I potted a few handfuls of white sage in clay pots around my kitchen to get a head start, since apparently the snow outside didn't get the memo. It's only been a couple days, and already I've got a ton of wee little sproutlings all over the place. Green is love.

This song I'm listening to is so beautiful. I've never heard the original, but this woman's voice is like sleeping under the stars. It's perfect.

I've stumbled onto some fabulous music lately, thanks to the discovery of whole wheat radio

Tonight's playlist favourites--
esther golton - two little feet
esther golton - dog wouldn't run
rachel mccartney - come little one

and most significantly, rachel's song "pour me down the river" -- I could put this song on repeat for three years and never tire of it.

pour me down the river
you can smile if you want to, i might give into this earthy desire, that knows how to suck me in. baby you are a battle i'll never win, but as long as you're talkin' i'll keep tryin' [chorus: you pour me down the river, and i become a wave. you show me to the mountain, i would gladly walk for days.] i know you don't trust me, far as you can throw your hands in the air. we go on and seal it, and say it's no big deal. aha! there is a mystery beyond what we feel, and it [chorus] i know it ain't right, i want you to prove your love. and you know i'm not proud, that maybe it never is enough. our little world is in chaos, but we need to rest. it would take me a lifetime, just to give you my best. [chorus]

The rest of her lyrics are here.

And here's a poem I feel like sharing, just because it's fucking beautiful - penned by artichaut_

words words

I want to cut your hair off its knotted ends
with a rusty spoon a rusty spoon
chew on your smile and blow out your eyes
you're still making the world hear

This world's fallen for it
revolving little Tori on antiquated guitar string
looking at the old spaces red and black
hoping for a new colorless hole to be filled

I'll read your pose on wooden beams
and curse your name to whitened walls
because I'm jealous of nothing and I don't want your sex
even if I can't stop checking your way for words

Waving my Dick in the Wind

2005-03-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

I recently got a full version of Fraps to tool around with, in hopes that eventually I can make some neat vids for my friends and our guild. Well, no one was online this morning when I wanted to try it out... so I logged on my hunter and went cruising for trouble.

If you are offended by the blatant misuse of power, one-shotting helpless noobs, rooftop sniping, or hot female orcs, you probably won't want to watch!

http://files.filefront.com/3835274

I don't make it a habit to grief like this, but I'm probably going to hell anyway. Sorry for the low quality -- it was the only way to make the download reasonable.

Put Up a Parking Lot

2005-02-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I took my dreads out and chopped off my hair again - it was inevitable. Dyed it red, too. I am hot like fox, yipyip!

Androgyny

2005-02-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

What is it that attracts me to this so much?

I feel the most like myself with my hair cropped, a makeup-free face, and comfortable genderless clothes. I don't mind it when I get mistaken for a guy, though my intent isn't really pass as one. I've been buzzing my hair since I was about 18, with various stages of longish hair in between. It seems like the length of my hair is inversely proportional to the amount of self-confidence I have. When I first shave it off, I'm back to my true self - the cocky, raging bitch I love to be. The longer and curlier and girlier it gets, the more I find myself slipping into the mold of what a "good girl" should be, and hating myself for it.

I don't want to be a girl. But I don't want to be a boy, either. Where does that leave me? When I was a teenager, I toyed with the idea that I might be trans. I felt like I really didn't fit into what a woman was supposed to be. And I still don't, but at the same time I'm not yearning for a cock'n'balls at the other end of the gender rainbow.

I've always been attracted to people (women especially) where it took me a minute to figure out their gender. Chicks with shaved heads, no curves, and a careless sense of fashion have always turned me on. But I never knew, and I'm still not entirely sure, if I'm attracted to them or I want to be like them.

It's so confusing!

Dragostea Din Tei

2005-01-22T16:24:00.000-08:00

Life is kinda weird right now.

I'm enjoying my winter of slackitude. EI came through after all, so that plus the rent I get for the suite upstairs & the garage have me right about where I was when I was working. I'm getting a little bored though. There's only so much entertainment one can get from marijuana, notebooks, and video games.

Dad's gone to Hawaii for a couple months, so I'm alone in this massive metropolis. Well, not that I saw or talked to him daily, but it's a strange feeling to have him not be there should I happen to need him for something. He's been gone a couple weeks already and things are fine - quiet, but fine.

I had to throw my electric hair clippers in the trash to keep myself from re-shaving my head. I'm also up to 10g in my ears! I don't know how big I want to go yet, maybe about the size of a pencil eraser. I bought some gorgeous bone talons to put in once I reach the next size. Oh, the excitement!

obligatory geek portion-
I'm headed out today to get some much needed upgrades for my computer. This old video card chugged along fine for EQ, but my ganked-to-gank ratio in WoW is a little higher than what I'd like, and I'm thinking that a nice fat chunk of RAM and a new card might help things along a little. I was actually going to buy what I needed online just to avoid shovelling the 4 feet of snow in my yard, but then I realized that I have to do that anyway if I want to get near the mailbox. Blah!

Drink Drank Punk

2004-11-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

HURRY UP TUESDAY.

Everquest has met its match. Hidden Valley! Hidden Valley Ranch - HO!

World of Warcraft rocks my socks. There. I admit it publicly. I am a huge fucking dork.

Starspun

2004-10-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

Dream:

Jim and I were in the new EQ2 Freeport, wandering around waiting for Syllestrae to come and pick us up. He shows up in one of those european Smart Cars, in his female half-elven self dressed in bright red platemail armor to bring us to some picnic. We get there, and while Syll is standing at the barbeque grilling burgers I walk up behind him/her and give her a big hug and say "Thanks for being such a good mom since mine isn't here right now."

Then I went to the bathroom to adjust the battery recharger that I had plugged into the top of my head. I could actually feel the prongs scraping against my skin as they slid into the two slots I had in my scalp. It was great & disturbing.

Something Vague

2004-10-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

Ever discover a song so great that it just makes your whole outlook change for the better?

I just rediscovered Bright Eyes, and I'm in love.

The Metro

2004-09-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

I think my uterus is broken.

Androgyny

2004-09-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

The $1600 phone/internet bill I was presented with has been knocked down to $175 after a beautifully written email to the evil fucking ISP. I knew I could convice them to change it if I did it in writing - if I had to deal with those shitheads on the phone I would have lost it. But it seems that perhaps I do have potential future in writing.

This weekend of perma-stonedness and old movies shall be excellent indeed. My creamy coffee living room will be transformed into retro-heaven!

Stay tuned

We All Fall Down

2004-06-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a wonderful, beautiful day.

I am finally getting shit done that needs to be done.

* I bought a house. I take posession at the end of July. I'm a landlord! It has a second suite on the top floor, which is currently rented to a guy who's been there 13 years and doesn't want to move - so his rent will basically pay my mortgage.
* I have an eye appointment on Friday - contact lenses and new frames at last, with a prescription that works.
* Dentist appointment on Monday - finally getting my teeth fixed so I can smile again
* Appointment with a holistic doctor on Monday night - nothing else has worked so far, so maybe some answers about my depression and sleep issues.

Aaaaand, Jim will be here Saturday! Julie is here and splitting my bills so I can save up some cash! Prospects of a new job working outdoors!

Habibi

2004-06-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

The boy-under-the-stairs is coming to visit me!

So nervous. So excited! Hurry up and get here, damnit!

God I'm chipper for 9am. Someone shoot me, please.

My Name is Jonas

2004-06-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

So. I went to watch a baseball game tonight (Boston Pizza Red Sox & Glory Days Something-or-Other, Athletics maybe?) and I caught a fly ball... with my fucking shoulder. It flew up over the fence and into the crowd, and since we were busy talking, didn't notice until people were screaming, and at that point I didn't want to look up in case it was headed for my face - which as it happens, was. Jen jumped on the lap of the lady next to her, and I just covered my head with my hands and hoped for the best. Best turned out to be a huge purple bruise on my left shoulder. Fucking ow!

Houses of the Holy

2004-06-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

I got my keeper in the mail at last today - hurrah!

Pretty fucking cool, but damn it looks intimidating. I swear this thing was made for moose twats.

Help Me

2004-06-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

Help me, somebody help me
I wonder where I am
I see my future before me
I'll hurt you when I can
It seems like I've been here before

Confusion sprung up from devotion
A halo that covers my eyes
It sprung from this first estrangement
No one have I ever despised
Is this the way that you wanted to pay
Won't you show me, please show me the way
Is this the way that you wanted to pay
Won't you show me, please show me the way

"Everything's Gone Green"
by New Order

OhGr!

2004-06-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Lovely weekend of sleep & Winterfell & video games.

EBay this week!: This, which I haven't read, as well as this, which is one of the sequels to the one I'm reading now - except it's so much prettier than the North American version! And that's what's important, right?

Sonar Blowjob

2004-06-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know if the toyota pickup body style changed in 1979. I don't know if the '79 fenders will fit a '76 truck. I don't know the exact reduction ratio for urethane primer, but if you read the label it'll tell you, you illiterate shit. I don't know why your fucking spray gun won't let air pass through the nozzle, but did you try cleaning the goddamn thing before you brough it in to whine to me? I don't know why your clearcoat is peeling, but if you'd followed the directions instead of being too fucking lazy to do it right there wouldn't be a problem. I don't know why your paint is fish-eyed, but it's obviously my fault. I don't fucking care and I don't want to hear about it. Go die please.

Origami

2004-05-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

I wonder if quitting smoking while in the process of this fast, and only a week after quitting my daily weed habit, is asking a little too much of myself. I guess we'll see.

I dumped all of my tobacco and papers in the trash. How long until Heidi cracks? Stay tuned!

Pass that Dutch

2004-05-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

Another lovely Saturday slept through. Woke up around 9pm and went for a walk with Momo.

Lately I feel as though I am always on the brink of something; that something great and exciting is just about to happen, but it never does. When did my life get so fucking boring? The highlight of my week was getting my eyebrows waxed for the first time on Thursday with Jen.

I started a cleanse/fast on Wednesday. I make fresh juice each morning, and throughout the day I drink upwards of 2 litres of this water/lemon/cayenne mixture that kind of resembles diluted lemonade. It's a less aggressive cleanse than just water, and moreso than a juice fast. I figured this was a good starting point to get into shape. I fucking hate it when people diet, and I hate it even more when they talk about it, and here I am doing the same thing. But I've had enough of this flabby urban existence. Clean slate.

I had planned to start Monday - but Jen just happened to bring a huge bag of Burger King crap to work when she visited at lunch, so the fast went out the window. They say you lose your hunger around the 3rd day of a fast, but I don't imagine any of these people live in a building that's attached to a Chinese food restaurant with the smell of various delicious things wafting through the windows at all hours. It's incredible how food-obsessed you can get when you start to deprive yourself of it. I'm enjoying it though - I feel like I have control over my body again and I don't feel as detached from this mass of flesh I inhabit. I figured it was about time to do something when I started making journal entries considering the pros and cons of different eating disorders and weight loss fads. Anorexia, while considerably unhealthy and slow as a means of losing weight, is very affordable! Yeah, exactly.

I have a horrible lack of self-control, and it's becoming more and more evident as I try and get my act together. I have to keep kicking myself in the ass. A self-help meeting of one. Baby steps, Heidi. I've been a fat, lazy, apathetic mess for long enough I think.

Is Everybody In?

2004-05-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

I don't remember now what he said, but it made a lot of sense at the time.

Time to bring over all my gloomwater entries and transcribe months of journals.

I just spent the better part of my paycheck on a bunch of artsy things from ebay. Fabric and beads and feathers, oh my! I've just reached that plateau of stonedness, my limit; I'm cut off. Which is just as well, considering it's nearly 4am and I do have work in the morning. If you can call it that.

nelsonnelsonnelsonnelsonnelsonnelsonnels

on

soon, my precious.

Barbershop Quartet

2003-03-16T15:44:00.000-08:00

/dream

M. and I were in some snowy, mountainous place, climbing effortlessly while looking for someone. There was someone else with us, but I couldn't figure out who it was. We discovered a naked man in a small cave who was trying to get deeper in but he was too large. He looked to us for advice. We suggested using some sort of magic to shrink or teleport himself to the other side of the tiny opening, but that didn't seem to satisfy him.

M. and I kept moving and eventually passed a deep and narrow ravine, lined with houses that were half-covered in snow. Some tropical birds flew overhead, and I became aware that M. had won a $5000 scholarship from National Geographic, despite the fact that he had no interest in the bird they were featuring. Apparently his dislike for credit card companies was enough to make him a valid recipient. At this point he'd disappeared, and I couldn't find him to tell him what he'd won, and how we could use the money to go see the world.

The dreamscape shifted to what was apparently his apartment, except it was a huge broken down place above my dad's store where suites he rents out are supposed to be. I think I lived there too, or nearby. The apartment had giant hallways that formed an "S" shape, with broken down areas between the hallways to allow access straight through from one end to the other without navigating the curves. It seems I searched the tunnels of hallways for hours looking for him. I don't think I ever caught up with M. to tell him about the money.

/end dream

When I'm 64

2003-03-13T15:44:00.000-08:00

The silence out here is overwhelming. I guess I'd forgotten how deafening nothing can be. I've got the television (and I use the term loosely, the tiny dinosaur of a machine is little more than a radio with a snowy blinking 10-inch screen) on, tuned to the one channel we manage to pick up out here. It's TVO Kids, a fishing episode -- the very same episode I watched 8 months ago when I turned on the TV when the quiet got to be too much for me. Odd.

Karma Police

2003-03-03T23:27:00.000-08:00

6:45pm
Once again I find myself on layover in a bus terminal, low on cash, and alone. Coming from Sarnia this time, being shipped to Thunder Bay like some oversize luggage for god know's what purpose. I'm in Toronto now.

Chuck Palahniuk is a fucking genius. I bought Choke to read on the bus. It was brilliant, but I didn't expect anything but, judging by Fight Club and the dustjacket blurbs.

I have a love/hate relationship with long-distance bus trips. The longer, off-peak rides like this one are mostly tolerable, largely because I'm not hip to hip with some sweaty refugee spit-breathing on my cheek while regaling me with stories of whatever.

Keeping journals doesn't come as easily to me now as it used to. I've lost my knack for spewing on paper/screen. Between Sarnia and London, smushed between the icy window and a tiny, gorgeous Polish girl who wouldn't stop stroking her inner thigh with her juice bottle (oh my fucking god), I was composing epics in my head. Diatribes of clever bullshit and other world shattering prose, all of it. Of course now that we've stopped, and I've the means to record it all, anything that might have been worth saving has vanished. All I can think of now is my growling stomach. The dubious-looking sandwiches on the meal cart in the corner are looking more and more appealing.

10:30pm
Time drags on. I'm using one of my badly-taped, oversized shit-filled boxes as a makeshift desk for my laptop. My back aches from these molded plastic terminal seats, sectioned off with metal tubing serving as armrests and prohibiting any sort of comfort. I'd sit on the fucking floor if it wasn't so goddamn cold.

...

2003-01-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

i like the way my hips crack when I crawl out of my chair sideways
and the way my ass looks in these pants

i love the taste of cigarettes
and the way my stomach flips when she says she misses me

when I grow up I hope I'm not as cynical as you are now

My Beautiful Leah

2002-12-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

more delicious words I found today--

i am imagining yr soft breast, yr barren thighs, the heart between yr hips...

how could i not love a woman? how could i not love you?

** ** ** **

I guess it's the day before New Year's eve today. Julie asked me if I had any plans, and I blanked. I had no idea that was tomorrow. I can't even keep track of days anymore it seems, kinda scary. But no, I don't have plans. I'll either sleep through it like I did with xmas, or drink the wine that's in the kitchen and write more shitty poetry like I did last year.

The skin on my fingertips & thumbs that got burned off when I was unloading dishes daily at tim horton's has finally grown back. Almost. There are a couple tiny flaps of skin that just don't wanna heal over completely, and underneath is a darker shade of pink that kinda hurts. I can't stop chewing on my thumbs. For almost a month now I've had no fingerprints. I was enjoying being the unidentifiable woman.

I talked to my dad the other night, who said he wishes I would come back to Thunder Bay and live there again. I've thought about it a lot. I do love the place we lived, out in the middle of nowhere on the lake. I did love the quiet, and the time I got to spend alone. But at the same time, so very far away from town. I dont know what to do.

mmm

2002-12-29T03:22:00.000-08:00

goddamnnnn, pj harvey makes my stomach ache in such a good way

Exit Music

2002-12-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

I got to talk to an old friend tonight, i missed hearing his voice

I think I downloaded over a gig of music today. sooo much good stuff, soo little time. got a bunch of 16 horsepower, some pj harvey, tori amos, tool, radiohead, and some weird electronic stuff, and a couple bjork tunes

spinach crackers are good

Far Away

2002-12-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

my eyes, my eyes... so sleepy, like little eyelash kisses

5pm and I'm ready to sleeeeep for an entire week. my tummy hurts a bit, some honey tea would be nice, and a hug and a small bowl of mashed potatoessss

why do people become so obsessed with me? I suck, honestly.

unless you like flannel-pant-snuggling and radiohead and grilled cheese and bedhead, you have no business being obsessed. oh! and lemonade with pulp

today is tim's birthday. he would have been 14.

i love you

Warpigs

2002-11-29T15:10:00.000-08:00

My mother is in my room right now, sitting on my bed and blabbering at me. Her religious nonsense. It's what, 3am? She got out of bed to come and preach and tell me that If I would only have a shower and get a job (and pray for forgiveness, of couse) my life would turn into a happy fucking field of flowers and puppies. Some day you WILL stand before the lord in judgement and blah blah fucking blah.

She just not fucking understand what it is like to be this fucked in the head. I have tried I don't know how many times to explain my depression and insomnia, but she DOES NOT GET IT. She thinks I am choosing to feel this way, and that I am just lazy.

She also just said that if I am not actively seeking help that I must want to be this way and I don't really want to get better. What part of "I don't even have the motivation to get out of bed most mornings, let alone leave the house to find a doctor" does she not understand?

Pulp Fiction

2002-11-16T15:07:00.000-08:00

If one more middle-aged woman calls me honeybunny or kiddo again I'm going to fucking snap.

Pale Purple

2002-11-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

I am walking out in the rain
I am listening to the low moan of the dialtone again

I am getting nowhere with you
And I can't let it go
And I get get through

And the old woman behind the pink curtains
And the closed door on the first floor
She's listening through the airshaft to see how long our swan song can last

Always Time

2002-11-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

Why am I such a dork? Fantasy, dragons, RPGs & Electronics Boutique. Weeee.

I went shopping today. Bought a new CD-ROM drive, as the one I had seems to have blown up or something. I'm too lazy to install it yet though.

Job interview tomorrow at the fine establishment of Tim Hortons. Hurrah.

Somewhat Damaged

2002-10-31T15:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I quit my job.

Telemarketing thinly veiled as "customer service" is definitely not my field.

Toxic Emission

2002-10-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

Workworkworkworkwork

/collapse

Trying to get this FTP program to connect so I can upload some pics, but goddamnit, it's not working.

Gonna go make some tea instead and curl up with Lord of the Rings. Mmm. I wish it was cold enough for a wooly sweater and socks. I'm in the mood to snuggle.

The Seaweed is Always Greener

2002-10-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

A mermaid found a swimming lad,
Picked him for her own,
Pressed her body to his body,
Laughed; and plunging down
Forgot in cruel happiness
That even lovers drown.

- W.B. Yeats

Baby Bitch

2002-10-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

I fell down the stairs on sunday morning and sprained my foot. It's a nice mess of purples and blues. Hurts like a bitch.

I bought a webcam last night. Of course, my fucking CD-ROM drive won't open, so I can't install it. It's going to take 4.5 hours to download the installation software off the website. Blaaaah.

Karri and I went to Port Huron yesterday to go shopping. There's no Old Navy here, so we decided to zoom across the bridge after work and take a peek. I bought a few things there, sweaters and stuff, and some socks and other miscellaneous junk at the other stores. My mother's birthday is on Friday, and being the hardest person in the world to shop for, I ended up buying her the entire line of that Fructis shit that she's been drooling over but been too cheap to buy for herself. And some chocolate something-or-other. I hate buying gifts for people when you're expected to. Birthdays, Xmas, bullshit. If I'm going to buy something for someone I want it to be because I want to - not because I'm obligated to, damnit.

I'm trying to think of a decent excuse (read: lie) to give my supervisor as to why I need an afternoon/evening shift. The truth is I don't want to have to be at work at 6am every morning and be totally wiped out by 4pm. I loved my first week of training -- to work by 3:30 and off at 11. Plenty of time to piss around at night and lots of time to sleep in, and not have to rush around to get ready in the morning. If only I had a kid I could use as an excuse...

Sarnia

2002-08-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

what a shithole.

the only things this place has going for it is a visible/active gay community, and decent ice cream.

im wearing my hair in mini pigtail-buns. i feel like im seven years old again, standing outside the door of my old house on pruden street after we'd sold it, watching the new girls play with their barbie styling head (remember those heads that came with brushes and stuff you practice hairstyles on?). they were bitches, even at seven years old, glaring at me through the screen, where I had pressed my face to it, smiling nervously. "look at her," they said, "acting like she owns the place."

cunts.

...

2002-08-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

the stars looked back at me tonight.

the soundtrack of my life is the electrical hum of plug-in fans and sleepy traffic cradled by the asphalt.

whennnnnn will i finally get to resssst?

i howl and get only stares.

hhhh hhhh

2002-08-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

ome beautiful words I heard tonight:
...
I dreamt

in St. Barts tidal pool
when we were lovers

you whispered behind me
"how does it feel.. how does it feel"?

how could i answer except breathing
hhhh hhhh hhhh
...

Tick

2002-07-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

Frolic

2002-03-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

Mudpuddle dreams of smudge-tailed perfection
A reflection of murky delight, spitting our prose to the wind
Hop, skip, splash -

Dirt-filled smirks of mindless distraction
A titter of giggles, we're lost in the rounds of squishy-fingered tickles
Hop, skip, splash -

Toothy and triumphant,
We are the envy of the straight-winged fae

bumming with jane

2002-03-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

there wasn't a stove
and we put cans of beans
in hot water in the sink
to heat them
up
and we read the Sunday papers
on Monday
after digging them out of the
trash cans
but somehow we managed
money for wine
and the
rent
and the money came off
the streets
out of hock shops
out of nowhere
and all that mattered
was the next
bottle
and we drank and sang
and
fought
were in and out
of drunk
tanks
car crashes
hospitals
we barricaded ourselves
against the
police
and the other roomers
hated
us
and the desk clerk
of the hotel
feared
us
and it went on
and
on
and it was one of the
most wonderful times
of my
life.

- charles bukowski

Ow.

2002-03-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth - alan watts

Repeat

2002-03-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

[01:58] nowt: the hunger of a mayfly
[01:59] Miss_Jess: the yawn of a pup
[01:59] ank: and sweaty thighs
[01:59] nowt: uncertain laughter
[01:59] nowt: oo. stained glass
[01:59] ank: twitching 'round the eyes
[02:00] Miss_Jess: I was SO going to say stained glass before
[02:00] nowt: a cello, a violin, a blessing, a curse
[02:00] Miss_Jess: we need some pain..posbily a bitten lip
[02:00] CINDERFUCKINRELLA: these are a few of my favourite things??
[02:00] Miss_Jess: DEFINITELY a cello
[02:00] CINDERFUCKINRELLA: are u singin that song
[02:01] nowt: these are the things we want to be made of
[02:01] nowt: haha.
[02:01] Miss_Jess: I wish I was ALL cello
[02:01] nowt: provided they'll fit inside our heads
[02:01] CINDERFUCKINRELLA: im made of sugar and spice and all things nice
[02:01] Miss_Jess: and a teachers frustration
[02:01] ank: i'm made from piss & bruises
[02:03] ank: face down in the shag carpet
[02:04] nowt: oo oo
[02:04] nowt: when someone talks to you
[02:04] nowt: and you don't understand a word they said
[02:04] nowt: and you ask them to repeat it
[02:04] nowt: and ou don't understand a word they've said
[02:04] nowt: -that-
[02:05] nowt: haha. elbows that bend backwards!
[02:05] nowt: and knees, too!
[02:05] ank: bruised, of course
[02:05] nowt: yes
[02:06] ank: stiff and whining
[02:06] ank: joint pop
[02:06] nowt: successive joint pops
[02:06] ank: i don't understand a word you've said
[02:06] ank: repeat
[02:06] nowt: :D
[02:06] ank: pop
[02:06] nowt: pop
[02:06] ank: pop
[02:06] nowt: pop
[02:06] ank: heeee
[02:07] ank: oww
[02:07] nowt: yay!
[02:07] The`Wolf`Within: what the fuck are you guys doing?

I Might be Wrong

2002-03-16T14:36:00.000-08:00

Sad.. so sad.
Can't stop hurting people. Can't stop being a complete bitch to everyone who tries to show a little concern or love.
I am f uuu c ccckk eedd dd.

plastic paper smiles
and electric blue fences

Peace Train

2001-09-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Don't Stop Believing

2001-09-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

hmm. home from the doctor 5 minutes ago. I'm still in one piece. I'm not being sent to the psych ward. I'm not being doped up to my nipples.

so it seems that I'm not as fucked as I feel.

my doctor said that a combination of drugs and counselling would be my best option. so I'll be taking paxil, and getting referred to some shrink in the next month.

in other news, I just found out today that my dad bought a new house. we were out looking at it last week. it's about 20 miles out of town, on a lake. so many yumyum trees and a big garden for me to play in.

things are looking somewhat hopeful.

titties2

2001-09-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

tonight some girls in the back of a little honda flashed their breasts at me while driving around town.

I'm finally getting to see a doctor about my nearly 9 year problem with this shitty depression. I'm kinda scared. I mean, I know I need to talk to someone about it, it's ruined my life for so long.. but I'm really, honestly scared that I'm fucked beyond repair and I'll get thrown in some nuthouse. or that I'll be drugged to the extremes and lose my ability to create. I've heard of that - people who were formerly artists and writers are prescribed anti-depressants and lost their desire/ability to create anything. I don't know what's worse: being a useless human being who can write and paint and express... or being a normal functioning human with a job, a partner and 2.5 kids picture perfect fucking ideal.

I'm probably overreacting. I'm just worried that once I see the doctor I'll lose my right to make decisions about my treatment.

Alliwantistofind me.

Harvest Moon

2001-09-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

I just got home from coffee with jenny. sostoned sostoned. we met curtis outside the theatre so jen could flirt shamelessly while we shared a joint (a+ rolling job heidi /bow).

after we smoked we met curtis' sister ashley and her two friends, one was her boyfriend or husband or current fucktoy (ashley that is). crazy shit: ashley say 'hey pass the sugar hun' and the guy and I are sitting at the same end of the table, across from each other with the sugar on the table between us. without thinking anything of it, I pick up the sugar and hand it to her. the guy freaks on her. "since when is she hun and not me?" and proceeds to get right pissed off. then, laughing she looks at him and says "can you pass the menu, kid?" wrong thing to say. he glares at her and hisses, "so now I'm kid huh? pshh." ... and he doesn't say a word to her for the nexr 45 minutes. can you say awkward, ridiculous silence? and of course, ashley is frigging upset that he won't talk to her, so she gets in a totally shitty mood and the whole mood of the night is smushed.

in other news, i went shopping for wool the other day and have started my new mittens. they are going to be maroon with blue (i justhadtotypeblue 5 times.) curly stripes on the palms.. like spirals. I wanna get some sparkle thread and weave it through the wrist bands. and of course make a long spiral candy cane string to weave them through my sweater. the wool is so soft, almost like mohair. I just want to knit myself a big soft bag out of it and crawl inside. the crazy softness on bare skin. yum.

I shaved my head again last monday. it was getting long - 2 inches or so, and a hopeless case of tornado head every morning until I dunked my head in a vat of hair gel. sometimes, like when I'm making my mittens I really miss having my hair. i was remembering how it felt to pull a thick sweater over my head and having my hair be pushed against my face while the roughness of the wool made it tickle. and of having the static make random strands float around my head as I walked in the cold air to school.

ahhh, hair.

my labret piercing has totally healed up now. now on to my microscopic septum ring goal. mmm.

time for tea and sleep.

Into Dust

2001-09-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

All lovers are crippled, alcoholic, crazy; every story has a funeral.

Nerd

2001-09-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me a whole box of homemade cookies. Yum.
Tonight is a tea and cookies and fuzzy-warm-blanket-and-book night.
I think I'm going to drown in chocolate chips.

Losing Heidi

2001-09-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

and I'm
losing heidi
in the fragments

sobbing
gripping tightly to
my last bleeding pencil
as the words refuse to flow